I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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