I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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