Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
