HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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