Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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