In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
