People in love make me want to vomit
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
