I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
