Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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