im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Say something about gay babies.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
