Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
