she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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