i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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