Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
