I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
