Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
