On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
