I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
