we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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