does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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