After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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