Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
