I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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