I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
