I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
