Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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