What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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