the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
