i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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