I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize