I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
