I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
