Yo dont text me then not text me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
how drunk are you?
Several
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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