so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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