Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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