so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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