you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Randomize
