the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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