Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
