Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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