I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
