I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize