SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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