The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
