I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
