I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
