We won't sleep together?
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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