I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
