If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
