Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
