My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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