I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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