so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
