the condom got lost in my hair
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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