and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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