Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
