I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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