come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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