i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
