Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
